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| Manhole #2374 |
| by Jared Booth |
| Dear Councillor B----
I am writing to you with regards to the Young Offender who is currently interred in Manhole #2374 on W----- Avenue. Earlier today I was on my way to the ethnic shop at the corner of W----- Avenue when I saw a group of young boys jumping up and down on aforesaid Manhole #2374. Assuming at first that they having a bit of fun with some form of insect life, I discovered upon venturing closer that they were in fact doing their best to stamp on a few thin fingers that spidered out of the Manhole’s little air-vent. I realised then that this must be a Corrective Manhole – which realisation I have since, with a phone-call to your Office, verified. With regards to these Corrective Manholes, I feel it’s important before we go any further to point out that I am in complete agreement with the Council’s belief that these are the best means of punishing disruptive juveniles. I admit that when I first heard mention of this new Corrective Measure I was a little unsure of its suitability – as an old Army veteran myself, sir, I had previously been of the opinion that National Service is the most suitable Corrective Measure of all. However, having witnessed firsthand the sharp decline in juvenile crime that has resulted from the new Manhole Law (plus of course the extra prison space it has afforded) I have since become a staunch believer in the whole process, and commend your foresight and imaginative thinking. This is my way of letting you know that this will not be one of those complaining-against-a-barbaric-mode-of-justice letters that I believe, from a recent interview with your good self on the local news, still somehow manage to trickle their way into your office every month or so. To go on, sir: after chasing these young do-gooders away (metaphorically speaking, of course – I am not quite the racehorse I used to be, ha-ha!) I knelt down on the ground and, putting my mouth to the air-vent in the grating of Manhole #2374, attempted to start a conversation with the Young Offender inside – merely to make sure he wasn’t injured in any life-threatening way, of course. I think I shouted something along the lines of: “Oy! You down there! You’re not dying, are you?” Preparing myself for the requisite yes-or-no answer – which I believe is the only form of address these young convicts are permitted to use when conversing with a member of the civilised public – you can therefore imagine my shock and indignation when what I heard instead was a kind of trembly, high-pitched whine inviting me to “F--- off.” Such disrespect I admit I did not expect. I have spoken before to many of these Young Offenders, often as a result of coming across this same scenario (stamping on Manholed convicts’ fingers seeming to be a popular pastime among our more law-abiding youngsters), and have never before been addressed in anything even remotely approaching this kind of manner. I am sure that you, sir, reading this, are already outraged at the Young Offender’s conduct. However, I regret to inform you that the abuse did not end there. Having been told to “F--- off” I quite understandably said “What!” in an outraged manner, and demanded that the Young Offender repeat himself – never dreaming, of course, that he would. But he did. “You ‘erd me,” he said, in the same whiny voice. “F--- off!” I could hardly believe my ears, sir; I had given this reprobate a chance to atone for his previous error of judgement, and he had thrown it back in my face. While I knelt there, momentarily stunned, there followed a torrent of abuse the likes of which I haven’t heard since my dear wife was alive. I will refrain from repeating it here, sir, out of civility to you. Instead I will pass on the gist of the Young Offender’s complaints – not out of any hope that you will heed any of them, of course, but merely as supplementary evidence of the kind of self-pitying specimen I – and by default the country as a whole – are dealing with here. It will not take long as, stripped of its foul-mouthed aspects, his complaints can be summed-up in a few sentences. To wit: that this fellow felt it “wasn’t f------ fair” (here I use his own words) that he should be interred in Manhole #2374 – or any Corrective Manhole, for that matter – and that he “couldn’t f------ stand it” any longer. He also mentioned, in a disparaging and thoroughly ungrateful tone of voice, the lack of adequate sanitation, sustenance, and space that Manhole #2374 afforded him; to which I made reply that what, exactly, did he expect from a Manhole? This question he ignored completely, merely informing me that he didn’t have “a f------ pot to piss in” down there; at which point I informed him that he might not have “a pot to piss in,” as he put it, but that he did, after all, have a Manhole to piss in, or to do whatever he liked in: and that he should consider himself lucky to have even that luxury. At this point he uttered a long high-pitched whine, and again became abusive. Not wishing to hear any more from him, I informed the Young Offender in no uncertain terms that I considered his behaviour reprehensible, and that the Head of Manholed Correction would be hearing of his insolence very soon; and strode purposefully away. Even then his whiny, high-pitched complaints followed me, finally fading away only when I turned the corner into B----- Lane, where I have lived for over twenty years now. I am sure you, sir, like me, will consider it disgraceful and absolutely unacceptable that an upstanding member of the community such as myself – who fought, lest it be forgotten, for this Manholed Young Offender’s freedom – should be spoken to in such a way. What can be done to punish (and therefore help, of course) this Young Offender I do not know – though I do have a few ideas I would be very willing to share with you, sir, should you require any assistance. In closing, let me affirm again that most Manholed Young Offenders I have come across have been very polite when speaking to me, and I sincerely hope that this one specimen’s behaviour will not reflect badly on the others. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours Sincerely, Mr. A---- H----- |
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| May 2008 |
| 106 |