“The Daily Planet has learned that a class action suit will be filed in District 4 Criminal Justice Court later this week against Superman. Plaintiffs in the case are eighteen convicted criminals currently behind federal bars.
The convicts charge the man of steel with endangering their lives and causing significant emotional suffering. The lawsuit cites Superman with knowingly, unlawfully, and intentionally exposing them to harmful x-rays. The suit also alleges that Superman, while looking through them, did not warn them that x-rays were being taken, and that his “strong-eye tactics follow a well-established pattern of privacy invasion and searches without warrants.”
The Daily Planet has also learned that a separate suit is being prepared by “Friends of the 18” that calls for Superman’s deportation. The suit argues that Superman came to this country as an illegal alien, that he never became an American citizen, nor applied for citizenship, that he lacks both a passport and green card, and that he is ineligable to apply for political asylum because his former planet no longer exists, and therefore, presents no threat to him. As with other illegal immigrants, they argue that he should be sent home--back into space-- or to another country that will keep him on their side of the wall.
Former vice president, Dick Cheney, acting as interim director of national security following the sudden disappearances of Senators Obama, Clinton, Durbin, Edwards, and former vice president Al Gore, said he would appoint a special prosecutor in the case involving Superman. “Anyone entering and leaving this country without a passport and approval by the state department is commiting a crime against U.S. Security,” said Cheney, author of the recently purchased memoir, “Come Hunt with Me.” His publisher, Great Caesar’s Ghost Writers, did not disclose the amount of the advance for the book. However, Chaney said he planned to use the advance to invest in a buffer zone around his ranch by purchasing the rest of Wyoming.
President McCain, who has said both the CIA and FBI were actively searching for the missing senators and former leaders, warned today that the search might take as long as one hundred years. Condoleesa Rice, reportedly sulking ever since McCain selected his wife over her for the vice presidency, appeared during New York’s Fashion week in a rental gown designed by Oscar de la Hoya. Republicon insiders expect her to seek the senatorial seat vacated by the missing Clinton. Rice, aware of Superman’s popularity in New York, said she thought Superman could be rehabilitated through a national security program now available on Guantanamo Bay.
President McCain’s Treasury Secretary Repudicrat, Joseph Lieberman, has said he intends to convert to Christianity following a “spiritual meeting” with Reverend John Hague. Hague has stated that hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans because the city was planning a homosexual rally. Superman plans to attend a national lobbying effort on behalf of GLBT issues next summer in Washington. “Anyone who wears his underwear on the outside of his pants is committing a sin,” said Hague, who says the city should prepare for a major tornado.
It’s unknown whether Superman will appear in court, but Superman accepted the Daily Planet’s offer of legal representation. Former Attorney General and current Supreme Court nominee, Alberto Gonzales, stated that the government expects Superman to make a personal appearance, and that he should appear in a proper suit and tie. “Appearing in his costume would make a mockery of the American Judicial system.”
NBC announced that Ann Curry of The Today show had planned to feature Project Runway Season Four costume designer Chris, a drag queen, with a new, updated, brightly colored line of Superman fashions, but the Today show has decided to postpone that segment, originally titled: “More than Whitey Tighties.” Replacing the Superman fashion episode will be a new segment, “Do you need guidance with your time alone with your stuffed pets?”
A spokesperson for the syndicated morning talk show, The View, said that hostess and creator of the show, Barbara Walters, includes in new book, “Auditions,” a chapter on the affair she had with the Man of Steel following her 20th anniversary special on “Men Who Fly,” also featuring aviator Howard Hughes, and Grateful Dead Guru Jerry Garcia. Walters says she understands from personal experience why Superman is referred to as “The Man of Steel.” About the Dead’s Garcia, Walters says her memory of the details of their relationship has always been and continues to be “a bit hazy.”
The California supreme court threw out Carl Rove’s suit against the Science Department of Stanford University. Rove had claimed that physicists who taught Wave Theory were teaching anti-Republican theory as part of their curriculum, and as politically biased agents, federal funding should be withdrawn. Rove argued that if it’s illegal to have likenesses of Moses and Jesus in classrooms, there should be no pictures of Superman illustrating wave theory. The supreme court was unanimous in its decision to throw out the suit of Rove versus Wave.
If prosecutors get their way, superman spokesperson Clark Kent warned, “the next time you here, “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it will be.” |
