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***BIO*** Michael Frissore’s work has appeared or is forthcoming in Monkeybicycle, Gold Dust‘s Solid Gold Anthology, Is This Reality?, Sein Und Werden, The Oddville Press, The Externalist, Literary Chaos, decomP and elsewhere. He has also written for The Tucson Citizen, Flak, Slurve, and other publications. His first book, “Poetry is Dead,” is being published by Coatlism Press. Mike grew up in Massachusetts and now lives in Oro Valley, Arizona with his wife and son.
Douchey Dan
by
Michael Frissore
Douchey Dan looked at us one night in between spits of Skoal into his empty Budweiser bottle and said, “I want you guys to start calling me either “Dangerous Dan” or “Dan the Man.”

“Fuck you,” Sammy the Snatch said. “I’ve had this fucking nickname all semester. I think it’s time you had one more like mine, douche.”

And so Douchey Dan it became. We thought this was more befitting a man who made fraternity pledges gather around a cheese pizza and jerk off onto it, the last one to cum having to eat the entire pizza. “No toppings,” he’d always say. “The only topping should be college boy semen.”

Not that Dan wasn’t a dangerous man, or even, at times, “The Man,” but Douchey Dan stuck, and slowly drove Dan crazy. He begged to be called “Dirty Dan,” like the longtime member of Sha Na Na; however, with Dan’s last name being Sanchez, we thought this would be a bit hack, especially when I was already Hot Carl.

Dan went crazy to the point that Sigma Ki was banned from all school and/or community activities, all thanks to two of Dan’s very dangerous stunts. The first came during a puppet show for elementary school students that Dan called “The Peterson Picnic.” Sigma Ki’s art students made little Scott and Lacey Peterson puppets who enjoy a nice picnic until Scott kills Lacey and their unborn baby Connor and dumps her into a lake. The stage then goes dark until little Connor emerges, singing “Octopus’s Garden.”

There was hell to pay after that one, and the only reason we weren’t banned then was because most of the children laughed and applauded, not really getting that there had been a murder, thanks mostly to Sammy and I insisting we not use any kind of blood, real or fake.

Nonetheless, they made sure our next event was for high school-age students. Dan again wanted to do a puppet show, but how to make it interesting for teens was a concern. He decided to make a statement about war and terrorism. We didn’t even get past the first act, which culminated in a bunch of monkeys on magic carpets flying into two skyscrapers. That the scene was set to chilling screams and little people falling out of the buildings, as well as Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride” in the background, didn’t make things any better for us afterwards.

So it was following this that we were no longer allowed to serve our community. Nonetheless, Dan had another plan, and he said we wouldn’t need the school’s cooperation to execute it. All we needed was a handful of Asian students and the same number of toy guns. Our school had a big football game against Virginia Tech, one with “big Bowl game implications,” as everyone kept saying.
It was only about eight months prior that Korean student Seung-Hui Cho had shot and killed 32 students and professors at Virginia Tech, and wounded many others, in what became the most deadly school shooting in U.S. history.

Dan thought it would be a good psychological tactic if the dozen or so Asians he had hired charged towards the Virginia Tech team right before the game brandishing toy hand guns. He offered extra money to those who shouted, “We win! 32-0!”

The school was embarrassed. They investigated and expelled all students connected to the incident, including the Asian students, myself, and Sammy. Some appealed, but what could we do? We went behind the school’s back, embarrassed the institution in front of the entire world, and made light of a tragedy that was not yet even a year old.

I learned a lesson from this. Dan had gone too far from prank one. One of us should have stopped him. All of Dan’s ideas were distasteful. I think a lot of us learned that lesson. Except for Dan himself. He later tried to transfer to Virginia Tech.
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