| ZYGOTE IN MY COFFEE.COM |
 |
 |
| © 2011 zygoteinmycoffee Ink. |
| Home |
| Submit |
| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
 |
|
| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 Maybe you wouldn't smell like goat ass if you took a shower once in a goddamn while. You will need more than hot water. You will need soap. Or body wash. Lots of it. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 Jacking off to "Dancing With The Stars" does not qualify as a love life. Go out. Mingle. Get laid, perhaps. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 Your intuition is telling you that getting drunk on cheap tequila with your hot cousin was a bad idea. The hickeys all over your neck and the wet stain on your futon only confirm this. Aries March 21-April 19 Stop fucking your pet coyote. It isn't healthy for either one of you. Taurus April 20-May 20 Your ex does not want you back so stop with the bullshit poems strategically placed on your ex's windshield and the drunken text messages complete with pictures of your nether regions to remind your ex what she is missing. She knows what she is missing and she is not missing it. Gemini May 21-June 21 So you're a slut. Nothing new there. But tapping your co-worker's ass in the mommy room probably isn't such a hot idea. Cancer June 22-July 22 The voices you are hearing do not belong to God or Truman Capote. They belong to your mental illness. Get that shit taken care of before you take out a bunch of innocent parents and children in Chuck E. Cheese's. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 You're not pregnant. Get drunk. Celebrate. Don't have any more sex. You are too drunk and too stupid to have sex. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Your roommate keeps drinking all the prune juice. Stop whining like a little bitch and do something about it. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 You keep berating yourself because you dropped out of beauty school. Shut up and stick those French fries in the bag. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Something is wrong with your asshole. Go to the asshole doctor. Have it looked at before you die. You have some unfinished business to take care of. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 Lately you seem to be a magnet for date rapists, petty thieves and con artists. Grow a thick skin and fucking deal with it or else stop posting your phone number and address at Craig's List. |
 |
| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. You can check out her photography at "Marshmallow Witch" and follow her blog at "Pollyana Persephone". Many of her books are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (January 2011) |