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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
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| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 The camping trip with the guys might seem like a good idea but it isn't. Stick to the home turf for a while. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 The other day at the store you were alarmed by the rising price of ice cream. This is a signal from the universe that you should be buying Great Value yogurt instead. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 You know you want to get a tattoo. You know you want to get it inked on your clavicle. You know you want it to be red. You just don't want to go the obvious route and get a strawberry or FUCK YOU in Japanese. Google "red singular tattoos" for inspiration. Aries March 21-April 19 You've never been a huge fan of douche or other pussy funk disguising products. Good karma lurks around the corner. Take that good karma and make it your bitch. Own it. Taurus April 20-May 20 You can't stop dreaming about that special fucker. You want to call Special Fucker up on the phone and scream,"Hey you! Get outta my dreams! Get into my car!" Don't do that. You will lose Special Fucker's special fucking friendship. Gemini May 21-June 21 Your boots are made for more than walking. Your boots are made for kicking serious fucking ass. People will envy you. They will give you dirty looks and mutter mean things beneath their jealous breath. Give them a saucy smile and a wink and show them how you boot scoot boogie. That will really piss them off. Cancer June 22-July 22 Do not be scared to get on the stage and boom your truth into the open mic. Avoid knock knock jokes about talking vaginas. That is more truth than most people are willing to hear. And oh yeah, it's been done already. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 You are feeling so philosophical and reflective these days that you find yourself seeking deep meaning in Journey lyrics. Write a book about what you find. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Measure your penis. If you do not own a penis find someone who does and measure theirs. This will enhance your self-esteem and may result in a bout of some kind of sex. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 A free puppet show is always a fun way to spend a couple of hours. Revel in the puerile joy that only comes with such whimsy. You can even take a barf bag and make it talk back to the puppets!. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Tyra Banks would not be proud of you. She would probably send you packing. You have got to walk like you own the goddamn motherfucking runway. You've got to stare at the camera like you want to fuck it. Otherwise, come on...what's the point? Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 You are really fucking sick and tired of all the talking that is going on behind your back. Do not stoop to dipshit level. If you really want to infuriate the fuckers, ignore them. Keep on shining. You are a goddamn star. |
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| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (April 2011) |