| ZYGOTE IN MY COFFEE.COM |
 |
 |
| © 2011 zygoteinmycoffee Ink. |
| Home |
| Submit |
| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
 |
|
| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 The last time you tried that trick you woke up with a rather icky rash on your ass and a blister on your tongue the size of Connecticut. Be sexually cautious.. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 That hot guy in rehab is still getting over a draining off and on relationship with his meth dealer. He really doesn't need the drama so stop passing those sunflower douche scented love letters to him during art therapy. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 Fuck around much? Goddamn, bitch. How do you keep all those text messages straight? You're going to keep on until you accidentally send your stepdad a picture of your cunt cheese and random hook-up #7 a request to babysit your kids while you go see the dandruff doctor.. Aries March 21-April 19 You're all about the self-photos of your erect penis and scavenging eBay for old issues of Slutty Kwickie Mart Cashiers these days. Innocent pursuits, yes, but the universe won't allow you to indulge in such bliss for much longer without exacting a hefty price out of your perpetually horny ass. Taurus April 20-May 20 You are a walking time bomb. You are lucky people don't try to kill you. You just exude that I Just Got Out Of The State Penitentiary, Bitch vibe. Good luck getting invited to bridal showers and sex toy parties. Gemini May 21-June 21 You have finally put your slut skills to good use and landed a big deal publishing contract. You are giddy now but won't be when those YouTubes show up on Inside Edition. Cancer June 22-July 22 The last time you felt this goddamn good you were an embryo. Whee! Enjoy this fun fest while it lasts. Before you know it you will be back on your knees taking it up the ass without lubrication. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 The drunken clown at your child's birthday party warned you not to fuck with his shit, did he not? You were too drunk and egomaniacal to listen. This explains the disappearance of your child and the ransom note written on the bathroom mirror in chocolate. Holy fuck! That isn't chocolate. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Endless constipated days and constipated nights have made you grouchy. Your friends tease you with,"Damn, get laid, already!" and "Treat yourself to a mental margarita!" Explain to them that you have two weeks' worth of shit backed up in your intestines and they will leave you alone. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 A mysterious stranger too shy to make his identity known is very much interested in tapping your ass. Watch your back. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Write a screenplay about how exceedingly difficult it is to be you. It will sell. You will buy a yacht and get more pussy and dick than you know what to do with. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 Lately the ass prodding aliens and trash talking chimpanzees have left you alone. This period of serenity will end soon. Prepare. Go to Wal-Mart and buy a bottle of St. John's Wort and a water uzi. |
 |
| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (February 2011) |