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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
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| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 In the immortal words of Kim Wu,"Everybody idiot in own special way." Do not beat yourself up for being your own special brand of idiot this month.. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 You are such an attention whore that you invite stalkers and ranting lunatics into your life with giddy abandon. Hand your digital camera over to an accountability counselor and seek a safer hobby. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 E-mail sex is good for the imagination and typing skills and will not result in pregnancy or STDs. Indulge. Aries March 21-April 19 You are a hot ass foaming at the mouth junkyard dog on a short leash these days. Things will get better soon when the universe throws you an exceptionally thick and juicy bone. Taurus April 20-May 20 You are not feeling very patriotic these days. You are thinking of moving to Fiji. The thing is they've got the coconut busting industry all worked out over there. You have nothing to add to the party. Consider Sri Lanka. Gemini May 21-June 21 Your uncle (yeah, that goofy one) has a business proposition for you. You will need to load up on bootleg anal sex pornography and set up an eBay account. At this point you don't have much left to lose. Cancer June 22-July 22 Disregard fawning e-mail from admirers. It isn't your poetry they are after. Want to get laid by an articulate stranger? Then do not disregard. Full fucking steam ahead! Leo July 23-Aug. 22 Sometimes you feel like someone is spying on you so you scream,"Take a picture, motherfucker! It lasts longer!" No one is spying on you. No one wants to take a picture of you. Go to the bowling alley and treat yourself to some cheese fries and domestic draft. This will help. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Avoid shopping unless it is online. Chapbooks are cheap and can be enjoyed again and again. You can find old Ken dolls online for mere pocket change. Look, you can even buy toilet paper and vibrators online. There is no need to leave the house. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 Your love life is in the shitter and lately you cannot turn off the yammering Dr. Phil that lives inside your head. The bingo hall beckons. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 You need to make some money so you have a yard sale. You will meet someone special at the yard sale, someone who has an abundance of quarters. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 Incessant masturbation is not a bad thing. Fuck the haters and naysayers. No one will ever be as adept at loving you as you are. Michael Bolton knew what he was singing about. |
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| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (March 2011) |