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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
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| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 To activate maximum goat power plaster your morning mirror with photographs of famous goats Henry Miller, Elvis Presley, Dolly Parton and Kirstie Alley. You would do well to include inspirational quotes from said goats, especially this one from the King: Every time I think that I'm getting old, and gradually going to the grave, something else happens. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 Life is consistently fucking mondo bizarro for Aquarians. Why, one minute you're canoodling with the oh so nubile Cherie Currie (circa "Foxes") on the astral plane, the next you're pleading with your mom's newest boyfriend not to get your mom drunk on cheap tequila and take advantage of her in the honky tonk unisex potty room. Just go with it. You'll be dead soon enough and then things will make perfect sense. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 It really pisses you off when you lose the bid on bunny rabbit PEZ dispensers at eBay. Get out of the house. Go to the nearest flea market. You will find a fuckload of treasures there and you won't have to pay those hefty shipping fees. Aries March 21-April 19 If you see Jim Morrison in your dreams, listen to what he tells you and take notes. He is The Lizard King Eternal. He knows. Taurus April 20-May 20 You would not be caught dead eating a microwaved Great Value pancake. This is why people line up around the block to get with you. You make buttermilk pancakes from scratch even when you are hung-over and three hours late for work. Gemini May 21-June 21 Lots of sexual rain in the old forecast for youse guys this month. There will be copious amounts of sex, yes, but you won't remember any of it. Cancer June 22-July 22 This would be an opportune time to leave the country. Or county. What the hell, buy one of those blue plastic baby pools and soak in it, imagining yourself in Fiji or Cozumel or Runaway Bay, Texas. If you drink copious amounts of Jim Beam it can only help. In the immortal words of successful alcoholic Gary Stewart: Takin' me a whiskey trip. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 You big pussy. The dragon roller coaster at the parking lot carnival ain't that scary! There have only been twenty reported deaths in sixty years of the thing and speed (the kind you snort or inject) was always a factor Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Sometimes you get so sick and tired of the abuse you want to drive your riding lawnmower full-speed into a sno cone stand. Sno cone stands are what's wrong with America. All that sugary fake flavored syrup...to add insult to injury, gummi bears are often placed on the mound of ice. To add to the confusion, there's a pickle juice flavor and a tiger's blood flavor. Save your gasoline and rage for the lawns. Just avoid that part of town altogether. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 You're always wanting to get married. It never works. The weddings should clue you in to the brand of hell you are in for...all those drunk freeloading fuckers, poorly dressed, raging egomaniacs at best, inarticulate dipshits at worst. And the kids, all cute-eyed like,"Whee! This is like living inside a Paula Abdul video!" Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out. Such a blasphemous ballet. This is reason enough to turn on the strobe light and lose all sense of self in a Killing Joke cd. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 If you go to the WinStar casino in Thackerville, Oklahoma play the Who's Your Froggy? slot machine. You will hit the jackpot, eventually. Avoid the Toby Keith Bar & Grill unless you like getting hit on by drunk youth ministers |
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| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (May 2011) |