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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
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| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 Constipation is no kind of fun but for fuck's sake, don't run out and buy an enema just yet. There are less invasive options. For example, buy a front-row ticket to a Justin Bieber concert. You will surely shit your pants with joy. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 There is one thing you can count on this month. The ghost of Conway Twitty will continue to fondle you with a "Slow Hand" as you sleep. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 You will launch a sexy but not overpoweringly so cosmetics line that includes fragrant ass wash, edible mascara and cologne that does not cause sneezing or muttering,"Who just died and made you Grandma Gardenia Pants?!" Aries March 21-April 19 It's all Pilates this, kickboxing that, yoga! Zumba! Hula hooping! What the hell ever happened to taffy pulling? It takes time, patience and certain tiny muscles to pull taffy. Taffy pulling ain't for pussies! You are not a pussy, not in the fucking least, so give it a go! Taurus April 20-May 20 If you go to the track this month, and I don't know why you wouldn't, the Greyhound to bet on is Hector's Last Chance. Yes, you guessed it, he is the proverbial longshot. Yes, he will win and you can retire or be a dumb ass and keep betting. Remember: Nobody can make a Taurus do something they don't want to do. Same goes for Greyhounds. They choose to run. Gemini May 21-June 21 Bone up on radionuclide angiography, if you haven't already. This knowledge will come in handy when you get up the nerve to ask out that hot old dude you keep bumping into in the keno lounge. Cancer June 22-July 22 In the 1980s children were scared to stick temporary tattoos found in Cracker Jack boxes to their skin. They were told by their parents that an evil monster had gone around putting bad stuff in the tattoos, stuff that would make them see pissy leprechauns and maniacal rainbow shitting unicorns. That was a rumor back then but now it's true. You know what to do with this information. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 Mr. Bill was one of the most popular characters ever featured on "Saturday Night Live." He was made out of Play-Doh. He was always getting destroyed but it was funny, not sad. In the New World Order zodiac your sign is Mr. Bill. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Something is happening but you don't know what it is. Relax, Virgin. The world will fuck you up the ass at every turn. As long as Bob Dylan is singing in the background it's all bueno. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 Now that you've abandoned all hope of ever having a sensible, satisfying love life you can get down to business and be a star of the web cam. Don't recite poetry or Winger lyrics, for fuck's sake. Just get naked and chew gum that will turn your teeth blue. There's a market for that. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Stock up on canned peaches, bottled water and vibrator batteries. The apocalypse is nigh. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 The donkey wondered,"Who is this Jesus guy and why is he on my back?" You are similar to the donkey but not exactly the same. You find yourself in heavy traffic more often than not wondering,"Who is this motherfucker and why is he on my ass?" The second you stop caring is the second you will be winner of your life. |
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| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (June 2011) |