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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Misti Rainwater-Lites |
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| Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 There are so many depressed people in Denny's. You would think showing them something new and unexpected, such as your ass, would cheer them the fuck up. It won't. Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 Leave it to you to get kicked out of Denny's for lewd conduct. You will find more freedom to be yourself, completely and without apology, at McDonald's. They have slides with special tunnels. Be respectful of the children. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 The raccoon that forages through the dumpster behind Denny's is your token animal, your spiritual guide, your wake up and smell the goddamn coffee alarm from the galaxy. Do not shoot or trap the raccoon. Observe from a thoughtful distance. Aries March 21-April 19 Mercury, as always, is fucking with your shit. Translation: you find yourself in the handicap bathroom stall at Denny's scrawling poetry on the walls and regurgitating quesadillas. Refrain from leaving your phone number with the poems. Taurus April 20-May 20 Jupiter is licking Neptune's dirty ass. Of course this affects you. Adversely, yes. It doesn't take much to send you hollering over the homicidally horny edge. Stay the fuck away from Denny's. Gemini May 21-June 21 You walk into Denny's and smell the bathrooms right away. Relax. Saturn is clogging up the moon's (our moon's) toilet. Order a salad. It might not kill you. Cancer June 22-July 22 You've got a vampire cowboy cop novel festering inside you. This novel can only be written at Denny's under the influence of subpar coffee and mediocre coconut pie. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 These days you feel like the not so incredible Hulk, all green and awkward and aggro, bursting out of a stupid pair of purple shredded britches. This is the sun's way of telling you to go to Denny's and flirt with the geriatric waitress in the limitless pancakes section. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Things just aren't working out with the night manager of Denny's. It is up to you to extricate yourself from a sticky situation with as much class and consideration as Venus will allow. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 The psychotic penis of Mars collides with the crybaby titty of the moon. For you this means emergency rap sessions with your favorite uncle over eggs and ketchup at Denny's. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Stay the fuck away from Denny's. Things will happen there that even a spooky strong mind such as yours will never be able to erase. Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 You will meet a new soul mate at the pie bar in Denny's, thanks to Uranus working its special brand of greasy magic. Poetry will ensue. You won't get paid for it. |
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| Misti Rainwater-Lites is addicted to taking pictures of toys and food with her digital camera, writing (poetry, novellas and grocery lists, mostly) and Chef Boyardee pizza. Her newest full-length poetry collection, "Sloppy Mouth", is now available exclusively from American Mettle Books. Many of her books, including current issues of INSTANT PUSSY, are available over at Ebullience Press. |
| (January 2012) |