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| DEAR VALUED SUBSCRIBER |
| by Bruce Stirling |
| This message courtesy of e-Books Inc., your e-book provider.
Dear Valued Subscriber #490-98-546G: On or about 18 October, 2009, something other than reading occurred in the master bedroom at 87 Foxhall Road, Greenwich, Connecticut, USA between the hours of 11 p.m. and midnight. Surveillance records indicate that you were not enjoying your most recent e-book download (Tax Benefits of Dying Young) per your usual habit on or about said date and time. Instead, micro mics embedded in your e-book reader picked up a distinct grunting not unlike apes in coitus. On further analysis, the AH-PU-3A sound spectrograph revealed that the horizontal target in question was not your secretary, Mary Ann Muffin Pike (aka “Pussy Lips”; subscriber ID #87-d98-877), but your wife of twenty-one years, eight months, two weeks, four days, six minutes and two seconds, Margaret Louise Bertram Woodhouse (aka “Honey Bear”: subscriber ID #987-y78-o9). Dear valued subscriber, we regret to inform you that even though your spouse's primal screams did indeed sound erotically authentic even to your next door neighbors (subscribers #487-987-09 and #890-098-o79; herein George and Gloria Bramble of 88 Foxhall Road, Greenwich, Connecticut, USA) they were, in fact, patently false. Twenty-odd years down the road and the old girl’s still grinning and bearing it. It must be love. In case it's not – the AH-PU-3A never lies - might we suggest 101 Positions For Better Banging, a steal at only $35.00. The New York Times calls it "Best bang for your buck!" Sex, Lies, and Make Her Feel Alive is also a perennial best seller for the valued subscriber over 50. How, you ask, do we know you're greasing the middle-aged rails? The IM-087 embedded DNA reader, of course. Sweat, semen, belches, the IMN-087 reads it all. Case in point: An analysis of your flatulent emanations (on going as we speak) reveals that you, dear valued subscriber, had dinner this evening at the China Pearl wherein you gorged on kung pow chicken, honey garlic ribs, chicken fried rice, lichee ice cream, three regular Buds, one decaf coffee with High-Lo no cream and eight fortune cookies all of which was prepared by chef Lee (Steve) Wok Choi (subscriber ID# 87s-098-098) and served by his currently illegally working wife Xi Chu (Betty) Choi. We regret to inform you, dear valued subscriber, that your cholesterol levels are through the roof. In light of your elevated serum levels, might we suggest 500 Ways Cholesterol Can Kill You at the unbelievably low clearance price of only $39.00, shipping included. Sorry no returns. Dear valued subscriber, please be assured that e-Books Inc. is here to serve. With that in mind, please visit our billing department and pay any and all outstanding bills ASAP or else the secrets of the bedroom at 87 Foxhall Road, Greenwich, Connecticut, USA will soon appear on our bestseller list. If money is indeed an issue, as we know it is, this according to your most recent bank statement - and the Las Vegas police report filed by Officer Ken Harding (subscriber ID # 45-OIU-098-i08) wherein Officer Harding states that on or about June 7, 2009 you ran up a sizeable gambling tab at the El Mirage on which you subsequently welched - might we suggest Idiots Guide To Managing Money at only $45.00, the perfect companion piece to Gambling Destroyed My Life. If none of these titles sound appealing then we, valued subscriber, shall haul your worthless ass into court. What better way to get acquainted with the ins and outs of the legal system than our number one bestseller, So, Bitch, You're Going To Jail! signed by author Paris Hilton (subscriber ID# 457-IU-986) at the remarkably low low price of just $85.35, shipping not included. Dear valued subscriber, we here at e-Books Inc. are here to serve. To that end, please fill out our customer survey and win cash cash cash and a chance to win an all an-expense paid trip to Aruba. (see link below). Sincerely - E-books Inc. This is an automatic message. Don't bother responding. We know where you live. |
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| Nov. 2007 |
| 99 |
| ***BIO*** Bruce Stirling's work appears in a number of online journals including Eclectica, Underground Voices, Mytholog and Opium Magazine. View his work at http://gnomonclature.blogspot.com/ |