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| HOROSCOPES for SLOW CHILDREN |
| by Allison E. Wentland |
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| Aquarius Jan 20-Feb. 18 Don’t be afraid to wear something unusual this week. Try making a necklace/choker and bracelet combo out of bread ties. If anyone asks about it, say Bjork is your inspiration. Pisces Feb. 19-March 20 Next time you find your oral cavity engorged in a bit of that "deep throat" action you love so much but don't want to come across as a "DUMB SLUT", try rattling off this little tidbit of info: "Cranial nerve IX is the glassopharyngeal nerve, which controls swallowing and the gag reflex." Your date will be astounded by your textbook knowledge regarding the art of oral pleasure. Aries March 21-April 19 Be prepared on Friday the 13th. A man in a hockey mask, a red and white-stripped sweater, blue jeans and tennis shoes will be waiting for you outside. Be prepared: the purr of the chainsaw isn’t coming from the neighbor’s yard. It’s ok; it’ll make for good conversation during sex on the 14th. Taurus April 20-May 20 If all the groundhogs became extinct because they contracted the fatal disease “groundhog spongiform encephalopathy,” would we still recognize Feb. 2nd as Groundhog’s day? And which rodent would we adopt to predict the seasons? A beaver? Maybe you should broach this subject the next time you go muff diving. Gemini May 21-June 21 Feel the need to quit an annoying, dangerous or socially unacceptable habit? Every time you have sex, think about the unwanted habit; see, smell, feel and taste that bad habit. After a week or so of this practice, you’ll realize either the sex or the bad habit have to go. Cancer June 22-July 22 Whenever you’re in an open public place such as the grocery store, a restaurant, the doctor’s office, your child’s PTA meeting, start talking in your best C-3PO voice and say “The other night, I had the most interesting conversation while having sex!” Proceed to tell everyone about it. Leo July 23-Aug. 22 Ever notice how ‘window pane’ is spelled very similarly to ‘widow’s pain'? Casually bring it up in conversation next time you have sex. Virgo Aug. 23- Sept. 22 Maybe now is a good time to head to the pet store and become the proud owner of a frog, iguana or turtle and set it free in the bedroom. Rumor has it, reptile & amphibian feces can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Libra Sept. 23-Oct. 23 When at your next family or business dinner, challenge everyone at the table to mimic their favorite sexual sound, smell, taste or texture using only the food on their plate. Or for the bolder folks out there, mix the food with the actual sexual experience. Guys, wouldn’t you love to rub your fingers in a bowl of tapioca pudding while rubbing your other set of fingers in a girl’s cum filled vagina? Girls, try it while masturbating. It should sound and feel the same, but it shouldn’t taste, smell or look the same. Scorpio Oct. 24-Nov. 21 Remember all the times you passed by the Salvation Army people collecting money outside the grocery store, but you never made a donation? Next time will be different. Instead of collecting money to give to poor, homeless or other deprived people, they will be giving away money in exchange for good sex stories to tell poor, homeless or other deprived people. So stop by and make a donation today! Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21 A charge of $14.91 will mysteriously show up on your credit or debit account statement. Don't panic! Simply call the credit card company or the bank and report it. And whatever you do, don’t talk about it during sex. Finding out what it was may be detrimental to the health of your sex life. Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan 19 Looking for a little excitement in the bedroom? Don’t be afraid to explore new things. Why not bring in a third or fourth party? Try role-playing. Or just try all the above suggestions. Start with Aquarius and by the time you get to Sagittarius, things will be hot! Hot! Hot! |
| February's Forecast |