horoscopesforjanuary

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HOROSCOPES
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SLOW CHILDREN

by Allison E. Wentland

Capricorn
Dec. 22-Jan 19
When driving home after a long commute or road trip, don’t bother stopping at the gas station, you can make it home on “E”.

Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb. 18
When you go to your favorite fast food chain, don’t order the fries….the fry guy doesn’t wash his hands after going to the bathroom; you don’t want his genital warts to line your mucous membranes, do you!?

Pisces
Feb. 19-March 20
In your next dream, Hoss and Ben Cartwright will wrestle naked in an open field of the Ponderosa…don't be alarmed, it’s just your mind's way of working out your subconscious desire to kill your mother and have sex with your dad.

Aries
March 21-April 19
Next time your cat or dog stares at a blank section of the wall for no apparent reason, get down next to him and try it. Maybe they’re on to something!

Taurus
April 20-May 20
When stopped at a red light and a monster truck pulls up next to you blaring OMC’s “How Bizarre,” don’t make eye contact with the driver or passenger. They have a strong desire to crush your ’91 Accord.

Gemini
May 21-June 21
Resist the temptation to examine your stool with Saran Wrap and salad tongs just because the texture, color and sphincter release are slightly amiss…remember, you had corn and green beans yesterday!

Cancer
June 22-July 22
When channel surfing at 3AM, keep it set on channel 43. An important message will be communicated to you.

Leo
July 23-Aug. 22
Yes, the cashier at the checkout counter was checking you out and is interested, so go back and buy a pack of Wrigley’s.

Virgo
Aug. 23- Sept. 22
Your toaster experiences extreme sexual pleasure each time you place a freshly sliced bagels into it’s slots. The refrigerator experiences extreme pleasure watching.

Libra
Sept. 23-Oct. 23
Not feeling so astute today? Sit alone in a pitch-black room or hallway; this will heighten your other senses and give you a needed rebirth.

Scorpio
Oct. 24-Nov. 21
Look up the word indemnity in the dictionary. It’ll be a part of a future conversation with friends or coworkers and it’s important for you to be able to respond.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22-Dec. 21
Look out your window. In a few moments a man will walk by. His name is Gary. He enjoys cutting out cartoonish characters from cereal boxes and pasting them to his walls…the collage is quite impressive!