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                              A MAGAZINE OF FICTION, POETRY & MORE!
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     ZYGOTE
            IN MY
                COFFEE.COM

ISSUE #39
 
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May 2005
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                                  ZYGOTE IN MY COFFEE.COM
                        
***BIO*** Shane Allison's poems have been published in Velvet Mafia, Coal City Review,
Suspect Thoughts, Babel Magazine, Chiron Review and others. He has poems forthcoming in The Glut and remark. He lives in New York. His chapbook, Ceiling of Mirrors is out from Cynic Press.
© 2005 zygoteinmycoffee Ink.
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Birthday Poem for Jarret
by Shane Allison
Jarret will there be an ice cream cake with your name

Written in tomato ketchup at your party?

Will there be trick candles at your party?

I hate trick candles.

Will there be any balloons at your party?

If that's the case, I'm not coming.

Will there be gifts in big boxes

Or Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

Big boxes wrapped in fancy paper makes me nervous.

There won't be any showgirls at this party, right Jarret?

I'm asking because I don't like any of these things.

I don't like canary diamonds or inkwells, either

Just so you know.

Will there be any prosthetic limbs lying around

At your party, Jarret?

Prosthetic limbs are scary,

But prosthetic limbs at birthday parties

Scare the hell out of me.

Jarret will there be nitroglycerin

At your birthday party or monkeys dressed

In three piece suits?

I like a three piece suited chimpanzee,

But I can't stand nitroglycerin

At birthday parties.

Will there be Vic Tayback impersonators

At this party, Jarret?

I can live with impersonators

Impersonating Vic Tayback,

But not half-eaten bags of pistachios.

Jarret will there be any live nude guys

At this party?

You know how I feel about live nude

Guys and Vic Tayback impersonators

Eating pistachios.

Jarret you know how I get,

How I break out in those little

Bumps I can't explain.

I'll be there as long as there aren't

Rednecks wearing ponchos.

Jarret, this party you're throwing,

Will there be board games or

Shoe boxes filled with green stamps?

Will you be giving away edible motorcycle jackets?

I will not tolerate motorcycle jacket hand outs.

I'm leaving if I see a dust mop or a single

Preliminary report.

If I see lemon-scented furniture cleaner

I'm leaving.

If I see an orange bathroom rug

Or burnt gingerbread cookies, I'm out of there

Faster than you can say...liver cheese,

Which I hate by the way.

I'm history, Jarret if I see rock salt

In little tubes, or purple

Construction paper at your party.

If I see one of those wide screen TV's

Or a six disc cd player, I'm gone.

If you're gonna have this stuff, you need

To tell me now so I can stock up

On gas masks.

Jarret will there be maximum protection

Panty liners at your party?

Who are you inviting?

Will Craig T. Nelson be there?

Will Marla Gibbs be there?

Is Corey Haim invited?

What about the surviving member

Of Milli Vanilli?

How about a couple of mail order brides, Jarret?

Jarret, will Jimmy Smits be there or Cheryl Ladd?

Jarret will there be any Solid Gold dancers

At your party?

Will Richard Simmons be there, Jarret?

Or Kris Noveselic?

I'll be there if Kris will be there.

Will you have white tigers at your party?

I adore white tigers.

Jarret will a poetry reading be held?

If so, don't expect me to read.

I despise poetry readings more than beets

And cured honey ham.

But I like poets.

I like to eat poet meat.

Jarret will the punch be spiked?

Will I have to take off my shoes?

I sure as hell hope so.

Will there be sushi chefs at your party, Jarret?

If I see Shelly Long eating buffalo wings

At your party, Jarret, I'm halling ass.

If I see stridex pads or panda bears

In low-riding Sassoon jeans,

I'm outta there.

If I see Anti-semetic PTA moms

At your party, Jarret, or

Stuffed armadillos, you will

Never see me at another party

Thrown by you again.

Will there be any cross dressing,

Cute Yugoslavian rappers at this party, Jarret?

Will you have dildos made out of macaroni

Shells?

Jarret if I see a single homemade ashtray

Or a bald faced liar, I'm leaving.

And I know a homemade ashtray when I see one.

I better not see a step aerobics video at this party.

I can live with a friendship bracelet,

But can't stand blue eye shadow.

Jarret will Beau Bridges be there?

I love him.