whoring bores and bored whores
my dodgy neighbour is mirthfully polishing his chain mail armour whilst the illiterate rentboy and i are defeatedly and defiantly respectively watching 'the man who knew too much' on the spanish channel with the sound off,it's nice to have someone in my life whom i hate more than myself,i wish christopher would hate him too,the middle-aged cunt is squeezing himself into his armour,i can't decide whether he looks menacing or laughable,i'll go for laughable: "HAHA AHAHAOOOOH HEEEE","what's wrong,kitten?","i'm laughing at your laughable appearance","you won't be laughing when i shove my mailed fist up your arse" the flemish monster roars and clumsily marches towards us,i trip him up,he falls flat on his mailed face,i sit myself on his back and batter the mail with a rocket-shaped paperweight,"melt it!" the ill rentboy exclaims,but my neighbour throws me off his back and pounces upon christopher,i pounce upon my neighbour and rip off his helmet,i tweak him by the big crooked nose and ferociously poke him in the right eye,he lets go of christopher's throat and pounces upon me,his armour is hot and heavy,his mailed fist is furious and up my arse,the illiterate rentboy pounces upon the flemish buffoon and hits him on the unprotected head with a bronze statue of a tragic stark naked lovelorn greek anti-hero,my neighbour feebly yelps and then loudly collapses,we frantically tug at his chain mail armour,it takes us two hours and 23 minutes to undress the beast,we throw all his mailed garments out the window,i switch off the telly and pour myself a pint of spanish rum,the moody rentboy switches the television back on and sulkily watches an australian documentary about rabies-crazed kangaroos who are trained to mug loaded yankee tourists,i take a short brutal nap in the austrian cupboard in the kitchen,in my short brutal naps i'm always a ten year old killer who suffers from horrible pangs of guilt,i wake up with spit on my chin,a bleeding nose,a moist back,a dangerously low blood pressure,a madly throbbing heart and neonlit flakes everywhere i look,i jump out of the cupboard,plunge my head into a bucket that's filled with stout and seaweed,dab my head with a yellow kitchen towel that's adorned with pink japanese aircraft,and go back to the living room,my dodgy neighbour's standing triumphantly akimbo under the grim oil painting of the war-impoverished fatherless flemish family,christopher's tied to one of the steel legs of the fake napoleonic coffee table,his nose is bleeding,he's worryingly pale and worryingly jerking,i tear a mongolian arrow off the wall and throw it at my neighbour,it hits one of the fatherless kids in the eye,i tear an indonesian lance off the wall,shriek like a crack-crazed underage colombian guerrilla and thrust the lance into my neighbour's belly,i tear a siberian spear off the wall,hoot like a heinous perfectly prepared maori warrior and plunge the spear into the old wicked bastard's crotch,he finally gags and collapses,i untie the illiterate rentboy and slap him out of his startled terrorized state,he downs a bottle of german cognac and then drunkenly numbly resumes watching the telly,i straddle my callous unconscious neighbour and slash his smug fleshy cheeks with a broken beeswax jar,i cut off his eyelids with my serrated hunting knife,i get off the defeated beast and go over to christopher,but the beast grabs my ankle and twists my foot,i whimper and go down,he rips off my clothes and shoves a vindictive blood-caked paw up my arse,"CHRISTOPHER FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP WATCHING TOM AND JERRY,I NEED SOME HELP HERE,A WHOLE LOT OF HELP ACTUALLY",my neighour punches me in the nose,"stop babbling,vicious whore"
he snarls and ties my hands together with a ghastly green tie that's adorned with racist flemish symbols,the ill rentboy bashes his head in with a rifle rack,he kicks the flemish pig in the lungs and then unties me,i put my clothes back on and down a silver jug that's filled with bourbon,i sit myself next to christopher,i raise my hand to stroke his hair,he flinches,i drop my hand and gloomily watch tom and jerry. |
