issue77wheresongscomefrom

                                                   ZYGOTE IN MY COFFEE.COM

***BIO*** Jason Schueppert is a 24 year-old underachiever, currently at work on a degree in Chemical Dependency Counseling at SCSU in Minnesota. He also works part-time as an assistant music director at KVSC, an occasional contributor to the University Chronicle, and an unappriciated pizza cook. He also manages the humor website thirsty-thursday.net

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"Where songs come from: 'Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry"

by Jason Jon Schueppert

    "Wow, this Applebee's is really nice. When did they build this place?" Josh drinks his appletini delightedly. He ignores the stares of other patrons, he's used to gawking.

      "Oh, I think it sort of popped up overnight. This is actually where I met Alyssa," Steve pokes at his orange buffalo strips. "I came in here to get the sampler platter and a beer and she kept hovering around me. It took me about twenty minutes to realize she thought I was you. She slipped me a note and asked me if I wanted to get 'all lit up again, on the couch, in her bed.'"

      "So you're fucking a girl that thinks you're me? Why would she even think that? I'm covered in ink,"
Josh spreads his arms wide, revealing the tattoo's that wind up his arms, neck, and what's exposed of his chest through his yellowed undershirt. "All you've got is that stupid tribal shit around your bicep," Josh jabs at the pop culture branding his brother has.

      "I got that for her, man. She broke me down. She's got a lovely face. She screams so loud when she's getting fucking laid, I can't say no to a thing she asks," Steve sputters, wishing he had a sweet pair of snakeskin pants like his brother.

      "She's loud, huh?" Josh snickers a bit. A family of four passes by Josh and Steve's table, having just finished dinner. Josh let's a rancid fart rip as they go by and stares into the forty year old mom's eyes.
They quickly hurry out the door.

      "Yeah, it's great, but she's kind of weird though. She always tries to get me to stay after we get finished, you know? But I'm not that kind of dude, I've got to make my way." Steve argues.

      "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. It could be worse." Josh reasons, thinking of the girl who glued the bedroom door shut while he was passed out from all the blow they'd done. He'd needed a running start to take that out.

      "Hey, she's a crazy bitch," Steve blurts out, other Applebee's patron's look over in disgust at the two trashy brothers.

      "That sounds kind of harsh, Steve."

      "Oh yeah? She eats a lot of bran. Would you like to know why?" Steve questions his brother, a daring look on his face.

      "Yes, yes I would." Josh counters.

      "It's because she likes to get down on all fours when she's naked and poop a tail. She poops like 80% of her turd out and then locks it in place by holding it in so she can walk around on all fours whimpering.
The bran keeps her shit stiff enough so it doesn't break off right away." Steve had been dying to tell somebody about this. It had been eating away at him for weeks.

      "Crazy bitch…" Josh mutters.

      "Yeah, but she fucks so good when I'm on top of it," Steve looks like he's about to cry, he's so confused.

      "You fuck her after that?" Josh's mouth is agape as their waiter hurries over to their table.

      "Listen, I am going to have to ask you two to keep it down. Your speech is highly inappropriate, and if you hadn't noticed, there's a senior's group behind you," the boney waiter points to the six elderly women all dressed in purple suits and pink hats. Every one of them is glaring at the two brothers, some look ready to fight.

      "I'm sorry, sir. My brother here has been going through a rough time since his wife died last year."
Josh blurts the lie without even thinking. "I haven't been around much to help him through it either, I have such a busy schedule being on the road with my band, Buckcherry," Josh tells the waiter, Bertrand.

      "Oh, I'm sorry, I hadn't realized." Bertrand the waiter is confused as to why he's sorry, but he knows that either the dirty, tattooed man's being famous, or his equally grungy brother being a widower is sad enough to warrant their being left alone. He quickly backs away and later tells the waitress that he likes
that he met somebody from Eagle Eye Cherry.

      "I dream of her all night, scratching the fuck out of my back to keep me right on her." Steve's eyes plead for understanding as he tries to keep his voice down.

      "Disturbing," Josh looks defeated and sad for his brother.

      "Don't judge me!" Steve throws down his napkin, his feelings hurt.

      "Listen, are you sure she's not just a money whore? Most of the girls that come on to me nowadays just want a Bentley or something." Josh argues with his brother.

      "Yeah, she's in it to take it all. That green paper's her game. She jumped right into bed with fame-"

      "My fame," Josh corrects him.

      "True, but fame nonetheless."

      "So, what about the videotapes?" Josh sighs.

      "Baby girl wants it all, to be a star. So one night when she was playing puppy, I got out the camera,"

      "You have the tail thing on tape?"

      "I was hoping you could hook me up with a vendor or something."

      "Oh my God, no,"

      "Come on man, I always supported you!"

      "Mom and Dad would kill me if I had anything to do with you and some fecal videos with that crazy bitch. No way. Why would you even want people to know that you're involved in that shit?"

      "I'm on top of it, man. I wear a mask, a Zorro mask," Steve smiles.

      "Well, I'm going to need to see the videos first." Josh tells him.

      "I told you, I'm on top of it," Steve fishes out his video Ipod and loads up one of the videos. "We've got thirteen sessions on here. I'm hoping we could churn out four tapes with those, but I'm not sure how long they need to be specifically."

      "Oh, Jesus-fuck!" Josh blurts out as he watches the puppy act in progress on the seven-and-a-half inch screen. "There's really a lot of detail on these little guys, huh?"

      The pink hated senior club behind them cringed at "Jesus-fuck" and had finally had enough of the two, awful boys. Edna, the group planner (she had scheduled this girls night out) was now standing at Josh and Steve's table, trembling with anger.

      "You two are horrible!" She spits out at them, her lips are caked in scarlet lipstick and trembling.

      Josh eyeballs his brother, grins, and holds the Ipod in front of her face, just as the turd breaks off of Alyssa's ass in the video, leaving a thick trail behind her. The old woman's eye's start twitching and she screams.

      "You must leave! You must leave now!" Bertrand is back, trying to usher the brother's out. He reaches for Edna's wrist, to guide her back to her table.
Bertrand would like to tell her that their meals are comp'ed, but that doesn't work out.

      "Rape!" is all Edna can scream. She screams it before Bertrand can say a word to her. Everyone in the restaurant is looking at Bertrand and Edna, his hand on hers as she alerts everyone to a fabricated molestation, obviously involving him. Nobody in the restaurant notice as Josh and Steve slip out the front door, ditching their check. They leave it to Bertrand, who will have to pay for it.

      The two brothers speed down Main Street, discussing marketing for the "puppy" videos. Josh will think of that "crazy bitch" Alyssa for months, fantasizing of being near the tail.

Jan. 2007